Speak Up! Ask Him for What You Want

Why We Don't Say What We Want

Some people are uncomfortable expressing wants because they imagine they'll appear demanding or controlling. ("What if I ask for what I want, and he sees me as a nag?") But my clients and I are discovering that expressing wants can be an act of transparency or vulnerability. It really depends on the intent. Are you asking in a way that reveals what you want? Or does your manner of asking imply a threat that if you don't get what you want, there's going to be trouble? Asking in a way that reveals yourself is an act of love. This is an example of the intent to relate. Asking in a way that implies a threat is aggressive and fear-inducing. This would be an example of the intent to control.

But even if you do get good at revealing your wants, it is still possible that the other might feel controlled ‑- even though this was not your intent. Consider Vera's story. Vera has been dating Howie for six months. Howie has told her that he often felt overcontrolled as a child, and is therefore vigilant about others' attempts to control him. Through trial and error, Vera has discovered a good way to bring both herself and Howie more present. After stating a want, she checks in with Howie to find out how her request has come across.

Here's an example of how I have used Vera's discovery in my life. I call my partner at work to ask him to come home on time tonight so we can have a long, intimate evening together. While my aim is to be open and noncontrolling in my request, I can't help but recall times in the past when my partner has disclosed that my asking something like this resulted in his feeling controlled and choosing to stay at the office even later "just to assert my freedom." So now, as I consider making this request again, I feel some trepidation. In an effort to be transparent and vulnerable, I tell him, "I want you to come home on time tonight, and I also feel some fear about asking for this." Then I ask how he is feeling receiving my request ‑- does it seem controlling? Does he feel resistance? Then I am silent as I listen to his response.

I Shouldn't Have to Ask

Many people inhibit asking for what they want because they believe "If he really loved me, he'd know what I like." They assume that the person should care enough and know them well enough to know what they want, without their having to ask for it. For people like this, asking is seen as equivalent to admitting to themselves that the other doesn't care very much. They think, "If I have to ask for it, it's less valuable" or "If he sincerely wanted to please me, he'd do it without my having to ask." Holding this attitude is another patterned way to avoid taking the risk of asking for what you want. When you operate as if this were true, you don't ask for very much, so you don't have to hear no very often. The problem is, by using this self-protection strategy, you miss the chance to develop the resilience and confidence that come from asking without knowing how the other person will respond. Obviously you can never know in advance how the other is going to receive your request ‑- so asking is always a bit of a risk. But if the person cares about you, it is an intelligent risk. You will survive even if you hear a no, and either way, by opening yourself up to the unknown, you'll deepen your self-trust and begin to heal an outdated view you may have of yourself as too fragile.

Types of Wants

There are several types of wants ‑- asking for contact or attention; asking for space or the absence of contact; asking for tangible help (such as help with a project); and asking the other not to help you (as in, "I want you to listen and not try to fix it"). It is just as important to be able to say "I want space" (or absence of contact) as it is to say "I want time" (or contact). A very important in-the-moment request is "I don't want to respond to that right now." Often this will be in direct response to a partner's bid for information or attention. Give yourself permission to ask for more time, as in, "I'm not ready yet to answer that question or respond to that request. I need more time to check in with myself about that."

Since it is common for a person who wants a lot of contact to pair up with a person who wants a lot of space, it's good to recognize that both types of wants are valid. The person who wants space needs to assert this just as forcefully as the person who wants contact. Otherwise the relationship will become lopsided ‑- as if only one member of the pair, the one who likes more contact, has needs.

The Quid Pro Quo Response

In responding to requests, you can say yes, no, maybe, not now or I'll do that for you if you'll do this for me.

It's important to give yourself permission to respond to someone's request with a request of your own (if this is a genuine need). For example, if your partner asks to talk about a recent disagreement, and you're reluctant to spend very much time on this, you might reply, "I hear what you want. And what I want is to get some sleep pretty soon. So I'll talk about it, if you'll agree to limit it to twenty minutes tonight." As this shows, sometimes your response is a conditional yes, or quid pro quo: "I'll give you what you want if you'll give me what I want." Some people don't like quid pro quos. They think these are too businesslike, too much like negotiation; but there is a place for such exchanges in any mature relationship. Sometimes, if you're stretching yourself to fulfill a request, you need to take care of yourself by asking the other to stretch a little for you.